Raising a "Normal" Child - Preschool

I think the worst part so far about raising my son is having the expectation that school will be a place to watch him thrive and be challenged, and then have that expectation blow up in your face when you instead feel like school has opened your eyes to the possibility that your child is somehow broken. I have come to realize that my husband and I realize we are not alone in this experience, and this post is for other parents who are feeling overwhelmed by their children's inability to "behave" in school. (Warning: it's long, and the beginning of a series.)

Disorganized does not mean broken

I can't imagine any parent being happy to discover that their child has some sort of disability. In the United States, ADHD is the most common disorder affecting children today, if these statistics from the CDC are accurate. But in my quest to discover why my child was "broken," I discovered why there are people out there that think ADHD is a myth. As it turns out, my son is quite "normal" after all.

When he was a toddler, he was happy and inquisitive. He was also stubborn and strong-willed. He was every bit as much a carbon-copy personality of myself, tempered with the tactile need to experience his world through his hands - like his dad. There didn't seem to be anything odd or abnormal about his behavior or development. Although an only child, he did have opportunities to play with other children at parks, playgrounds, and family gatherings. Not once did we think he had socialization problems.

Communication and Blogging with Kids

site used for student blogs

My son's teacher set up blog pages for her students to use. It is mainly to post their book reports, but they are also free to post other school-related or personal commentaries. It is an excellent lesson in responsible social media use.

First of all, students cannot immediately post to their blogs. Once they complete a post, it has to go to the teacher to be moderated. Then, if she approves of the content, the post gets published. This way, students will learn what is acceptable content, and what should be left out (such as personal info, bad language, and improper comments about others).

Second, it gives them the freedom to personalize a page just for themselves. They are allowed to choose and customize themes, create pages, "follow" other blogs, and comment on other classmates' posts. Kids need opportunities to feel like they call the shots. Blog pages offer up a way for students to explore their individual personalities.

image from KidsLearnToBlog.com

It provides an avenue to safely learn that others will see what they post. Students learn to understand that what they say will have an impact on readers - positively or negatively - and will have to use their blog responsibly. They will discover that what they wrote may be boring to another, and to another it will be a point of disagreement, and to yet another it will be a source of entertainment.

Lastly, having a blog is a way to improve life skills.They learn how to keyboard, and hopefully in turn learn how to spell and use proper grammar, which in turn makes reading more enjoyable for the visitor. They learn to communicate clearly and effectively through comments and replies. And they will gain confidence in their ideas and creativity and ideally become less discouraged when someone criticizes their work.

If your child's teacher is not using blogs in the classroom, consider giving your child access to a blog at home. KidsLearnToBlog.com is a simple website to help parents navigate through the world of blogging and social media. And for a one-stop shop for the web's best blogs by kids, visit BlogsByKids for the latest and greatest blogs for kids, picked by kids. And if you need moral support, I'm here for you! ^_^

Leave a comment below and tell me about your adventures as a parent with a kid blogger!

Communication and the joys of teaching

image via KomoNews.com

A little while back, after posting about a conversation I had with a friend about writing, someone asked, "Have you ever considered teaching?" And yes, actually I have. In fact, my college courses were taken with an emphasis on education and teaching. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, it's up for debate) I chose a school that did not have a B.A. in Education and after two unsuccessful attempts to get into the Masters program, I gave up.

But I never lost my passion for teaching, and for years did tutoring, mentoring, and classroom volunteering. I would joke around with my friends that I would start my own school, but for a few years I stayed a little bitter that I was not able to get a teaching certificate. I have family that have been life-long educators, and some of my friends are teachers. When I first decided I wanted to go for my teaching certificate, almost every single one of them immediately asked "Why?!"

The commitment to write

A conversation with a friend

It's just after lunch and I am multitasking my time between completing an outline, cleaning (more like finding) my office, and figuring how to create an interactive On Air Hangout on Google+. Amidst all of this I find time to sneak onto Facebook every so often to check in on my feed.

First of all, if you want to be a successful writer, Facebook needs to go away while you are in writer mode. However, I was able to catch  a Messenger notification from an old friend from my anime convention days. Although we keep in touch through Facebook posts, we rarely use private messaging so I was curious to see what was up.

Communication and Kendo: Part 1

image from www.kusuyama.jp

Watching my son participate in his second taikai (kendo tournament), and taking fourth place, was very exciting for two reasons. One, it cemented his belief that he could be good at kendo, making him want to continue. Two, seeing him compete showed me how much he had grown not just within the sport, but with communication in his everyday life. To help you see how I made this connection, I need to break kendo down into basic points, starting with this - Kendo is NOT an art of self-defense, it is an art of self-improvement.

If kendo was all about whacking your opponent, tournaments would go a lot faster. Anyone who has watched a taikai match will know that there could be dozens of strikes, all of which look good to a casual spectator, before a point is awarded. If you've never seen a match, YouTube is full of examples, like this one. In order to get the point, the attacker must not only hit his or her opponent in the right place, but must also look and sound good doing it.

Wait. Huh? How are you supposed to look and sound good swinging a bamboo sword and yelling wildly at the top of your lungs?

Image via Wikimedia Commons

There are three things a kendoka (one who practices kendo) must do when making a strike. First the strike must hit one of four places: the head, the wrist, the waist, or the throat. But not only must he hit these areas, he must make the hit with only the top portion of the shinai (bamboo sword). If he hits with any other part of the shinai, the point is not awarded. But even with a correct hit, he still won't get the point without proper footwork, proper stance, or proper follow-through. His feet have to move right and the way his body moves through the hit cannot be sloppy. And even if he manages to strike and move correctly, if he's not screaming out his charge with conviction (this is called ki-ai), well, no point. This is why good kendo matches are loud. It also makes one think: with all this having to worry about proper this and correct that, how does anyone actually manage to get a point?

And isn't that kind of the same question one would ask about effective communication? It's not just about having something to say. It's also about how you say something so the other person understands where you're coming from. If you don't choose your words correctly, or have the right body language, or use a proper tone of voice, then your not going to make your point.

So, back to my son. He wanted to practice kendo because I did. When he first picked up my shinai and swung it around at three years old, I decided to get him his own and gave him informal lessons. I first taught him that the shinai was not a toy, he couldn't "teach" any of his friends, and the only person he could hit was me, and I had to be in gear. What I was really teaching him was to be mindful of who he was interacting with at a given time and adjust to each situation. His sword became his feelings, and he had to adjust his feelings to properly respond to different situations: when a classmate made him mad, when he got in trouble for something he didn't understand, or when he was told to do something he didn't want to do (like homework).

Well-loved shinai

When he was finally old enough to take formal lessons, he quickly learned that while he may think it's fun to practice with mom, it's entirely different interacting with a real instructor. Although I tried to prepare him with the basics, his footwork was everywhere, his swings were wild, and if he even bothered with ki-ai, you probably still wouldn't have heard him. His teachers were always correcting him, and he would get discouraged because it felt like he couldn't do anything right.

And when he got into bogu (kendo armor), he also realized it wasn't nearly as much fun being the one getting hit. During practice drills he would get upset because he was getting hit more often than the other way around. There were times when he would decide that he didn't want to do kendo anymore because he wasn't good at it. It wasn't that he wasn't trying, it was just that there was so much to focus on! But with subtle encouragement and maybe a few not-so-subtle "suck it up" commentaries, I kept him going.

His initial struggles with kendo were a mirror-image of his every-day life. He had a hard time focusing on his work and would get distracted easily, and his teachers would have to get him back on task. He was emotional and easily upset, feeling like everybody was against him. But when he needed to speak up for himself, he couldn't bring himself to do it. He just wasn't good enough to make friends or be a successful student. He wasn't good at communicating his feelings.

When he entered his first taikai, he lost in the first round. I braced myself to comfort a child who would be upset with his loss. But what a surprise I got! Yes he was disappointed that he lost, but he was smiling and excited that he didn't let his opponent get him on the first hit. We talked about what he did right, what he could do to improve, and how much he could learn by going up against an opponent.

First Taikai

Over the next year, he continued to improve. His strikes were faster and more accurate, he read his opponent's moves a little better, and although his footwork was still a little sloppy, he made up for it in a strong and confident ki-ai. Seeing this improvement come together in his second taikai made me realize he had made improvements elsewhere in his life. He is still distractable (hello, he's a boy), but his self-esteem has grown and he is more likely to speak up when needed. He is better able to communicate effectively in various situations, whether it's with an adult, a classmate, a friend, or a stranger.

At his next taikai, his face was beaming with an ear-to-ear grin when he received his fourth-place trophy. And it should, because that trophy was also the proof that he was good enough to get his point across. Kendo, the art of self-improvement, helped with that.

Communication and the wonderful world of bullies

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Especially in today's communication-deficient society. We try to raise our children to get along and adapt to different social interactions, but in a world of 140 characters and internet trolls, how does one communicate effectively?

My son had a rough start in elementary school. He did not know how to communicate his feelings and was often in trouble. Growing up, I remember classmates like him, the pushers and shovers who wanted something and didn't know how to articulate what they wanted. I also remember my teachers scolding them, telling them to apologize and show them the right way to handle the situation. But what is different (with my experience anyway) is that now the "victim" is given a lot more weight in an incident.

When I went to elementary school, I was the kid nobody liked. I was the weird one who made friends with a "fish face" girl and didn't deserve to hang with the cool kids. Yes, cool kids happen as early as second grade. My friend and I had only each other against our entire class, and while they didn't push or shove, they were harsh. Parents worry about bullies in this day and age? It's only worse because the media makes it worse. It wasn't any different then than now, except that you can pick on someone 24 hours a day through the internet instead of only at school. Sure, we told the teacher when we were being teased mercilessly. But the teachers just scolded the tormentors. And told us to ignore them, because the more we pay attention the more they will tease.

It was true. By the time we were in middle school, the teasing grew less, and in fact some of our classmates who were "mean" to us ended up being quite civil. The ostracizing didn't stop, and we were fine with it, because we discovered we could make more friends in other classes. We ignored the "cool kids" and paid attention to the nice ones.

Today, teachers take the two parties involved and have conversations with them about the proper way to communicate with each other, but the "victim" is not told to ignore the actions of others. In fact, they are encouraged to tell on any student who "makes them uncomfortable" because there is a "zero tolerance for bullying." So now we have the makings of a reverse bully.

So, back to my son, he got a pretty bad rap that followed him from kindergarten through third grade. First grade was the worst. He was constantly in trouble and he would come home crying and saying it wasn't his fault. Well, it must have been his fault, right? Why else would the teacher give him a time out? I volunteered in the classroom for the first time one day, a few months into the school year, and it hit me like an obvious cold sore why he was always in trouble. The teacher put him between a passive aggressive and a girl version of him! In the one hour I was there, my son's entire experience was one kid harping "He's doing this!" and "He's doing that!" while the other one is poking him trying to get his attention! I seriously wanted to cry for him. I requested that he be moved immediately.

Unfortunately my son, constantly in trouble, did not trust anyone - especially the adults in the school - to listen to him. He had it in his head that no matter what the situation, when a student told on him, the adult would punish him. So he kept quiet, and when he was so frustrated he would lash out with the pushing and shoving, he would stay quiet as the teacher scolded him, never once asking him what he was feeling, only asking why he did it. And he would stay quiet, because why would they care why he did it? He would be in trouble and it didn't matter that he felt like the one being picked on. How he felt didn't matter, only the "victim's" feelings seemed to matter.

Then, in second grade, the talking started. "He's a trouble maker," and "Don't play with him, he's mean." Any chance he had of making friends was thwarted by the scary predictions of what he would do. And it wasn't just coming from the kids. It also came from the parents. Parents we have never even met or known long enough to form any opinion of them. He stopped getting invited to birthday parties. Friends he did play with at school couldn't invite him for play dates. Friends he wanted to invite to his own birthday never came because the parents simply ignored the invitation. How does he tell a teacher that he's being unfairly targeted? All I can tell him is to ignore them. He doesn't need to listen to anyone who talks badly about him. But above all, he needs to show them how wrong they are through better actions. And he is getting better, but it's hard to be good when everyone expects you to be bad, when some kids try to get you in trouble on purpose. When even adults don't like you, say vicious things about you, and you don't even know them.

Third grade started just as badly. One student that we had a bad experience with ended up in his class. This was someone who had a personality exactly like our son, and who did almost the same things our son did. We knew right away this was going to be a difficult year. We tried to teach our son to ignore him if he did anything that he didn't like, that it was okay to be nice even if you didn't want to play with someone. We said that just like him, this child was going to have a difficult time adjusting, and to just be a good example of how to handle yourself in school. But it didn't work, our son was constantly in trouble with this other student and we finally told the teacher that he could not be in the same group as this other child. There were still incidents, mostly a battle of wills because they were so much alike, and I truly didn't have a problem with it because they both needed to work out their differences. But one day, and you will probably judge me for saying this, my son finally got a little vindication when this child was called into the principal's office for trying to get my son riled up. Unfortunately, my son did get riled up and retaliated with a shove, and so also got called into the office, but it was made clear that the other child's actions were not acceptable. For the first time, an adult in the school stuck up for my son. That was a moment of triumph for all of us.

My son doesn't know how to play "nicely" because he doesn't trust anyone to see that he is trying to play nice. If he pushes for a ball in soccer, or kicks a ball a little hard in kickball, or trips in tag and falls on someone, he's done something wrong and he gets in trouble. It's at the point where he can't even play anything with anybody because he "doesn't get along." I tell him he has friends, and I name every one of them, even the ones whose parents are the mean ones. I tell him his faults, then I tell him his strengths, and then he tells me how he will work on his faults using his strengths. He has bad days, but he has had more good ones this year than years past. And it will only get better. I've been there, so I know, even though he's had a rougher time than I did.

The wonderful world of bullies is a mysterious and ever-changing space, where the ones treated like bullies are sometimes the ones being bullied, and the term "bully" becomes so broad that everyone becomes one and no one is safe. We have become hyper-sensitive to the interactions of others that we forget what is a normal process of social learning. We are teaching our kids to be afraid of social interactions, and that is a dangerous downward spiral.