Communication and Education: Questions to Ask Your Child's Teacher

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It's been about a month now since my son started his new school, and I can't be happier about his experience. Our curriculum night is coming up, and I am excited to hear what his teacher has to say about learning in her classroom. I'm not worried that my kiddo isn't adjusting. He is thriving both academically and socially, and it all started with a few simple questions.

I didn't ask his teacher all of these questions, some were asked to the principal prior to enrolling him into the school, and there are a few more questions that I will ask his teacher later. But your child's teacher should be able to answer all of these questions in a way that will give you a good idea what to expect in the classroom, how your child can have a successful learning experience, and how you can supplement your child's learning at home.

Communication and the dreaded Common Core

When did you first hear about the Common Core? If you're a parent, when did someone explain to you how the Common Core was implemented in your child's school? Unless you are an ardent supporter of education, you probably never heard of the Common Core outside of news blips or as a parent when you first realized your child's math homework was more confusing than an advanced statistics textbook. A few weeks back, comedian Louis C.K. took to Twitter to rant about what the Common Core was doing to his kids: "My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!" This is a sentiment held by many frustrated parents. But do you know why it is so frustrating?

Regardless of whether you love the new common standards or you hate them, Louis C.K. has opened up a venue to debate it. Here is a man with celebrity clout relaying his frustrations, not as a comedian, but as a parent - who happens to have over 3 million Twitter followers. What was once a topic that occasionally hit the news in blips, the debate about Common Core now explodes from the media outlets. Some people in the media are praising Louis C.K. for pointing out the flaws in Common Core, and some people don't like what they hear because it jeopardizes the implementation of a lofty ideal. The debate is needed, because so much of what makes up the Common Core is still a mystery to many of us.

But of course, who wants to admit there was a mess up somewhere in the planning process. Supporters of the new standards like Michelle Rhee and Newsweek's Alexander Nazaryan were quick to respond to Louis C.K.'s dissatisfaction of the Common Core by trying to dismiss him as unqualified to weigh in. However, a quick Google news search shows an overwhelming amount of sources in support of the comedian's outspoken views. So why isn't the Department of Education listening?

Upset Dad does child's homework

I personally am also frustrated with the Common Core. Not it's ideal, mind you - I believe it is very important for our students to become better prepared for college and the global work force. What makes me mad is the way in which the Common Core (a basic by-product of that other good-idea-gone-bad "No Child Left Behind") was implemented. Education historian and educational policy analyst Diane Ravitch highlighted the rush to implement the new standards in a piece critiquing Newsweek's Nazaryan. In it, she makes a case for poor implementation, and a disconnect between the developers of the common standards and the teachers who must integrate them into the curriculum.

Another point she makes is how the U.S. government directly influences the implementation of the Common Core. By giving funding to states and school districts who adopt the new standards who fail to follow implementation, the Department of Education communicates to states that they must immediately adopt the new standards or lose their money. With funding being the most fought over topic in education, loss of federal funds can deal a huge blow to struggling schools. Accountability aside, is it fair to the students and families of these schools to be punished for a poorly planned, poorly implemented, and poorly communicated program? There is little to no communication between the DoE and educators as to how teachers are expected to implement a hastily developed program with little training and even less funding.

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According to Ravitch, studies have shown that using standardized test scores to evaluate teachers is ineffective and have the potential to cause more harm. Yet, Washington state recently lost their waiver for "No Child Left Behind" requirements because the state failed to include test scores as a "significant factor in determining teacher and principal performance levels." Again, communication is disconnected here. These studies that Ravitch cites were ignored by education reformers, choosing to listen instead to economists and business experts. Excuse me, but what do economists and business experts know about classroom instruction? These are children: they are firefighters, dragon slayers, NASCAR drivers, princesses, magicians, artists and fashion designers. They are not college students ready to be the next CEO of a major global company.

It boils down to this. Money. Education has become big business for publishing houses like Pearson and McGraw-Hill. Money is to be made in the tech industry as the standardized testing associated with Common Core moves to a computer-based format and online distribution. And what no one seems to talk about is the business of test prep, where new businesses will pop up to "help" struggling schools and struggling students adapt to the new standards by offering classes and consultations and private instruction on how to pass these tests (I highly doubt there will be any assistance in funding and implementing Common Core standards). Money is going everywhere but where it's needed - in classrooms.

So why are there so many parents and teachers frustrated by the Common Core and standardized testing? Because no one is communicating to them why this is important. No one is communicating how to receive training and materials to successfully implement these standards. No one is communicating where the money comes from and goes to. No one is communicating, and it is the most important part of any program to be successful. You can't just ram a project down people's throats and expect them to swallow it ignorantly and get excellent results. Communication also requires listening to feedback, so planners can see what works and what doesn't before it becomes a huge issue. Parents and teachers are frustrated because the powers that be would rather talk AT them than TO them.

Communication and the wonderful world of bullies

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Especially in today's communication-deficient society. We try to raise our children to get along and adapt to different social interactions, but in a world of 140 characters and internet trolls, how does one communicate effectively?

My son had a rough start in elementary school. He did not know how to communicate his feelings and was often in trouble. Growing up, I remember classmates like him, the pushers and shovers who wanted something and didn't know how to articulate what they wanted. I also remember my teachers scolding them, telling them to apologize and show them the right way to handle the situation. But what is different (with my experience anyway) is that now the "victim" is given a lot more weight in an incident.

When I went to elementary school, I was the kid nobody liked. I was the weird one who made friends with a "fish face" girl and didn't deserve to hang with the cool kids. Yes, cool kids happen as early as second grade. My friend and I had only each other against our entire class, and while they didn't push or shove, they were harsh. Parents worry about bullies in this day and age? It's only worse because the media makes it worse. It wasn't any different then than now, except that you can pick on someone 24 hours a day through the internet instead of only at school. Sure, we told the teacher when we were being teased mercilessly. But the teachers just scolded the tormentors. And told us to ignore them, because the more we pay attention the more they will tease.

It was true. By the time we were in middle school, the teasing grew less, and in fact some of our classmates who were "mean" to us ended up being quite civil. The ostracizing didn't stop, and we were fine with it, because we discovered we could make more friends in other classes. We ignored the "cool kids" and paid attention to the nice ones.

Today, teachers take the two parties involved and have conversations with them about the proper way to communicate with each other, but the "victim" is not told to ignore the actions of others. In fact, they are encouraged to tell on any student who "makes them uncomfortable" because there is a "zero tolerance for bullying." So now we have the makings of a reverse bully.

So, back to my son, he got a pretty bad rap that followed him from kindergarten through third grade. First grade was the worst. He was constantly in trouble and he would come home crying and saying it wasn't his fault. Well, it must have been his fault, right? Why else would the teacher give him a time out? I volunteered in the classroom for the first time one day, a few months into the school year, and it hit me like an obvious cold sore why he was always in trouble. The teacher put him between a passive aggressive and a girl version of him! In the one hour I was there, my son's entire experience was one kid harping "He's doing this!" and "He's doing that!" while the other one is poking him trying to get his attention! I seriously wanted to cry for him. I requested that he be moved immediately.

Unfortunately my son, constantly in trouble, did not trust anyone - especially the adults in the school - to listen to him. He had it in his head that no matter what the situation, when a student told on him, the adult would punish him. So he kept quiet, and when he was so frustrated he would lash out with the pushing and shoving, he would stay quiet as the teacher scolded him, never once asking him what he was feeling, only asking why he did it. And he would stay quiet, because why would they care why he did it? He would be in trouble and it didn't matter that he felt like the one being picked on. How he felt didn't matter, only the "victim's" feelings seemed to matter.

Then, in second grade, the talking started. "He's a trouble maker," and "Don't play with him, he's mean." Any chance he had of making friends was thwarted by the scary predictions of what he would do. And it wasn't just coming from the kids. It also came from the parents. Parents we have never even met or known long enough to form any opinion of them. He stopped getting invited to birthday parties. Friends he did play with at school couldn't invite him for play dates. Friends he wanted to invite to his own birthday never came because the parents simply ignored the invitation. How does he tell a teacher that he's being unfairly targeted? All I can tell him is to ignore them. He doesn't need to listen to anyone who talks badly about him. But above all, he needs to show them how wrong they are through better actions. And he is getting better, but it's hard to be good when everyone expects you to be bad, when some kids try to get you in trouble on purpose. When even adults don't like you, say vicious things about you, and you don't even know them.

Third grade started just as badly. One student that we had a bad experience with ended up in his class. This was someone who had a personality exactly like our son, and who did almost the same things our son did. We knew right away this was going to be a difficult year. We tried to teach our son to ignore him if he did anything that he didn't like, that it was okay to be nice even if you didn't want to play with someone. We said that just like him, this child was going to have a difficult time adjusting, and to just be a good example of how to handle yourself in school. But it didn't work, our son was constantly in trouble with this other student and we finally told the teacher that he could not be in the same group as this other child. There were still incidents, mostly a battle of wills because they were so much alike, and I truly didn't have a problem with it because they both needed to work out their differences. But one day, and you will probably judge me for saying this, my son finally got a little vindication when this child was called into the principal's office for trying to get my son riled up. Unfortunately, my son did get riled up and retaliated with a shove, and so also got called into the office, but it was made clear that the other child's actions were not acceptable. For the first time, an adult in the school stuck up for my son. That was a moment of triumph for all of us.

My son doesn't know how to play "nicely" because he doesn't trust anyone to see that he is trying to play nice. If he pushes for a ball in soccer, or kicks a ball a little hard in kickball, or trips in tag and falls on someone, he's done something wrong and he gets in trouble. It's at the point where he can't even play anything with anybody because he "doesn't get along." I tell him he has friends, and I name every one of them, even the ones whose parents are the mean ones. I tell him his faults, then I tell him his strengths, and then he tells me how he will work on his faults using his strengths. He has bad days, but he has had more good ones this year than years past. And it will only get better. I've been there, so I know, even though he's had a rougher time than I did.

The wonderful world of bullies is a mysterious and ever-changing space, where the ones treated like bullies are sometimes the ones being bullied, and the term "bully" becomes so broad that everyone becomes one and no one is safe. We have become hyper-sensitive to the interactions of others that we forget what is a normal process of social learning. We are teaching our kids to be afraid of social interactions, and that is a dangerous downward spiral.